if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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