I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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