dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize