just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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