i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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