The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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