I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he laminated a picture of his dick.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
