I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
