ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
