i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
