I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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