btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
