Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
