Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
