yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
