just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
