The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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