GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize