what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
