I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
