Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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