i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
