Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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