ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
