I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
