I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
