Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
