so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize