My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
