Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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