somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
