just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
