So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
