A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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