i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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