Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
