Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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