A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
