Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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