Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
