Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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