if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
