I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
