my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
