My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
