This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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