I can't breathe out the right side of my face
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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