Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We smell like vodka and hangover
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