I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
