I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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