I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
