she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
