Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
