Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
