I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
