We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
