I skipped work to stalk him.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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