This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
