$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
