Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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