I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
